The Military Transvestite
by Queenphoenix
Summary: Ed decides to have some fun at the Colonel's expense. Slight shonenai in later chapters. Rated T just to be on the safe side.
1. Fuhrer's Orders

This is my first story, I would really appreciate it if people would review. I'm not too sure how good my story or my writing style is. Roy fans, don't kill me. The idea just came one day and I had to write it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist… the miniskirt, however, is all mine

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**Fuhrer's Orders** **

* * *

**

"So... How do you like my plan?" a male voice asked

"Hmm… It would certainly teach him a lesson." came the amused reply "OK. Lets do it."

Ed sat back in his chair, grinning wickedly "Oh, I can't wait to see his face!"

Riza let her stern, professional front drop as she stifled a giggle. She quickly pulled herself together again when somebody knocked on the door.

"Yeah?" called Ed

The door opened and Sheska stepped into the room. "I'm sorry for the interruption, Fuhrer, but these papers really do need your signature."

Ed sighed. This was the only downside to being Fuhrer. The bloody paperwork. "Thank you, Sheska. I often wonder what I would do without you." He said, while the little voice inside his head whispered _'Whatever it would be, it sure as hell wouldn't be paperwork.'_

Sheska put the huge pile of papers on Ed's desk and exited the room.

"Can I go, Ed? I also have paperwork to do." requested Riza

"Certainly, Riza, you can go and do your precious paperwork." Ed said dully. Then suddenly, he brightened considerably "Hey, maybe you can do mine too, since you like it so much!"

"No thank you. I think I'm just fine with the papers I've already got." said Riza calmly as she left the room.

Ed sighed again as he picked up a pen.

* * *

"Hey, Mustang." Havoc said as he walked into Roy's office. "The Fuhrer requested that you wear this to work from now on." 

"Finally, a new uniform." Roy said as he held it up. "Umm… there must be some mistake. This is a skirt. A miniskirt, to be precise."

"I don't think there's a mistake." Havoc replied gleefully. "He looked pretty pleased when he gave it to me."

Roy's eye twitched. "No way. This can't possibly be happening to me." He said flatly. Suddenly, he noticed a note pinned to the skirt. He pulled it off and read it. _'Remember all the times when you boasted that when you became Fuhrer, you would make certain members of the military wear miniskirts… thanks for the idea'_

Roy growled. "It was the women. I said the women would wear miniskirts, damn it!" he muttered furiously.

Havoc just grinned. "Serves you right for stealing all my girlfriends."

* * *

The next day, Roy turned up to work wearing not his 'sexy' new uniform, but his old uniform. If he was hoping for sympathy from Riza, he was disappointed. The moment she saw him, she pulled out her gun and, handing him his new uniform which appeared out of thin air, ordered him to the bathroom to get changed. Roy paled. He wasn't sure which option scared him more: being shot by Riza or actually wearing that darn miniskirt. However, as Riza clicked off the safety on her gun, he quickly realised which option was safest. He turned and ran for the nearest bathroom. 

Roy groaned as he held up his uniform shirt and examined what appeared to be padding in the front. Finding no way to get it out, he growled and considered incinerating the whole outfit. Only the thought of Riza and her ever faithful gun stopped him. Cursing and grumbling, and vowing that he would hide in that bathroom for the rest of his working life, he got changed.

As he got himself settled in one of the cubicles, the door to the bathroom opened and a gun appeared as the disembodied voice of Riza Hawkeye said "You have three seconds to get out here or I will fire."

Roy beat the time limit. He was out in two seconds. So much for the vow.

When Riza saw him, she struggled with herself for a few seconds, and then started laughing uncontrollably. Roy promptly went from a delicate shade of white to a bright red. "It's not funny!" he roared. Big mistake. About half of the passers-by turned to see what the commotion was about, and promptly started laughing too. Roy turned and ran frantically to his office to take refuge behind his desk, as some other people raced off to spread the news: _'Your girlfriends are safe – the Colonel is a cross-dresser!'_

* * *

Well, first chapter. Unfortunately, though I love yaoi, I cannot write it, so there will be no yaoi pairings, damn it. I hope you enjoyed it regardless of the lack of yaoi. Ja ne. 


	2. Paperwork and photographs

Regarding all the questions about Ed being Fuhrer, as yet I have no idea how he got that position but maybe I'll think of something. Anyway, here's chapter 2.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist

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**Paperwork and Photographs

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**

Roy scowled as Ed walked into his office. "What do you want?" he grumbled

"Is that any way to talk to your Fuhrer?" enquired Ed cheerfully

Roy's scowl got worse.

"Stop sulking." Said Ed

"Why do I have to wear this damn uniform?" complained Roy.

"Maybe if you'd been nicer when you were my superior, you wouldn't have to."

"So that's what this is. Revenge."

"If that's what you want to call it. I prefer to call it entertainment." Ed grinned.

Roy muttered something insulting under his breath. Ed's grin got wider. "You don't seem comfortable, Colonel." He remarked.

"Oh, you think so?" Roy said sarcastically.

Riza walked in without knocking. "Fuhrer, the Colonel still has paperwork to do and I know for a fact that Sheska just put another pile of papers on your desk."

Ed sighed. "Thank you Riza. If it weren't for you and Sheska, nobody would do any paperwork around here." He said, while the voice inside his head mused unfairly _'Maybe I should fire them both'_. Dutifully ignoring the voice, he walked out of the room.

* * *

"Smile." Yelled a cheerful voice. Too cheerful, in Roy's opinion.

Roy scowled as the flash on the camera went off. He'd come out from behind his desk to very quickly make a cup of coffee (God knows he needed one), and now look what had happened. If he let that photo get out, it would circulate Central for decades. He pulled his hand out of his pocket, gloved fingers held ready in snapping position. "Hand over the camera" he said menacingly. "Or I'll fry you."

Havoc's only answer was to turn and run towards the exit, giggling like a maniac as he dodged flames.

Suddenly, a flash of bright red fire caught on the back of his trousers. He howled in pain and, putting on an extra burst of speed, raced through the exit and slammed the door shut behind him, before snatching a bystander's coffee and using it to douse the flames. He then gave the empty coffee cup back to the astonished bystander, and strode nonchalantly away, still clutching his camera.

* * *

Havoc found Fuery standing on a table fixing the loudspeaker in the cafeteria. Fuery looked down at Havoc. "How'd it go?" he asked.

"The bastard burned a hole in my trousers" Havoc grumbled. "Why'd he go and do that, it was only a photograph."

Fuery just laughed.

* * *

Later that day, Roy noticed a crowd of people gathered around the notice-board laughing like maniacs. As this reminded him strongly of Havoc's earlier behaviour, he decided to investigate. Making his way forcibly to the front of the crowd, he paled and then turned purple from anger. "Whose bloody idea is this!" he bellowed furiously as he stabbed his finger toward the photograph posted on the notice-board. It was labeled 'Pregnant Mustang'.  
(A/N for anyone who doesn't get it, Fuery altered the original picture. Don't ask me how though…) Nothing more needed to be said to describe it.

Suddenly, Roy noticed Havoc edging quietly away from the group.

"Havoc!" Roy roared as Havoc bolted toward the nearest exit like his pants were on fire again. "Get the hell back here!" Roy gave chase.

Fortunately, Havoc's luck was in and he ran into Riza at full speed, almost knocking the woman over. He cowered behind her as she calmly pulled out her gun and trained it on Mustang, who promptly turned a strange off-white colour. _'Yay for colours'_ he thought sourly. _'I'm like a human chameleon with an eye problem'_

"Now, Roy, what's the problem?" Riza enquired.

"That bloody bastard…" growled Roy as an answer, making a desperate lunge toward Havoc.

Riza clicked off the safety, making Roy pale even more. "You'll be the bloody one if you try something like that again. I understand that you are frustrated, but that doesn't excuse your behaviour. You seem to have forgotten that this gun is capable of blowing your brains halfway across the room".

Roy turned slightly green at the thought of having his own brains mixed with his blood and layered on the walls.

He decided to let Havoc live – for now.

* * *

Ok, that's all the errors fixed up, I hope. Chapter three is nearly done and will be posted soon. Sorry about taking so long, I have an unfortunate tendency to procrastinate. "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." Mark Twain 


	3. Pink Sparkles

Finally, chapter 3. -Author cackles to herself- I am so evil...

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. The day I do is the day the world ends, knowing my luck...

* * *

**Pink Sparkles

* * *

**

Roy sat forlornly at his desk, determinedly sulking. He should have been doing his paperwork, but really, sulking was much more fun.

Roy glared angrily at a pile of papers, and then watched with malicious glee as they instantly combusted without his having to even click his fingers. Unfortunately for him, Riza came in immediately afterwards with a new, larger pile. _'So much for this miraculous new alchemical breakthrough'_ he thought grumpily.

Roy was distracted from his mutinous thoughts by the sound of people screaming and running. Many people. He poked his head out of his office door, cheered by the concept of watching somebody else's misery.

He was most definately not prepared to see a haze of pink sparkles coming towards him at frightening speed.

Roy quickly debated whether it would be better to join the screaming and running masses or hide under his desk, hoping said desk wouldn't choose that instant to give way under the stacks of paperwork. Shuddering at the thought of evil paperwork, Roy decided that it would be safer to join the masses and risk being trampled. However, before he could act on his decision, he was enveloped by the cheerfully glittering pink cloud and a disembodied voice boomed around him.

_'Oh my God!'_ thought Roy wildly _'It's judgment day and I'm wearing a skirt...'_

Before Roy had time to panic, the pink cloud seemed to dissipate a little and Major Armstrong became visible.

"Colonel Mustang, so you have finally revealed your true sexuality!" boomed Major Armstrong, with tears running down his face. Roy winced as the window cracked."I should have known all those women were merely a cover! You are a very brave man, and an inspiration to us all!"

Roy sweat-dropped nervously "Um, A-Armstrong, it's n-n-not..."

"I know!" he was interrupted in mid-stutter by a very, very pleased Armstrong "I, Alex Louis Armstrong, shall teach you the amazing waxing technique which has been passed down through generations of Armstrongs!"

Roy suddenly found himself drowning in a pool of his own sweat as Armstrong somehow pulled a waxing kit from nowhere.

"Armstrong, th-that's, um..." he desperately tried to think of a way out, but his brain had stopped working from the shock and fear he was feeling. Unfortunately, Armstrong, happily preparing the waxing strips for use, wasn't even listening to the token protest Roy's brain had automatically offered up for use.

* * *

"Aaaaagh! Armstrong! Th-that's... Gyah!"

Half of the military was now crowded around Roy's office door, listening to the, shall we say, interesting, noises that were coming from the room within. Riza sweat dropped. She could almost see the ecchi thoughts emanating from the crowd. She considered using her gun to send everybody back to work, then noticed that the Fuhrer had just fainted from blood loss, somebody having explained to him what they thought the noises meant.

Deciding to make the poor people's lives hell after Ed was OK, she busied herself by helping the young (A/N and handsome) Fuhrer to the infirmary.

About 10 minutes and 16 nosebleeds later, the door to Roy's office was thrown open with such force that several people hit the wall at the opposite end of the room. Armstrong stood in the doorway for a moment, silhouetted against his pink sparkles, before brushing past all the people and leaving the building.

There was silence for a moment, then all at once everybody tried to push through the small doorway. After a few gunshots and yells, Riza managed to acheive at least a pretence of order, and everybody filed through the door, squashing like sardines into the small room.

A very grey Roy lay on his desk next to the abandoned waxing kit.

As the people filed in, Roy looked up.

"What are you people here for?" Roy groaned

There was silence.

"Well?" he snapped.

Several people backed away nervously. Ed just happened to be the unfortunate person who attracted Roy's attention.

"Fuhre, may I enquire as to what these people are doing here?" Roy asked nastily. Roy was apparently the type of person who tends to get nasty when in pain.

Ed sweat-dropped nervously. "Well... um... they said something about a desk..." he trailed off, trying desperately to stop the nosebleed that threatened to return if he continued.

Roy attempted to glare through his agony. "You people are soooo lucky I'm in too much pain to move..."

* * *

The shortness of my chapters is starting to cause me great sadness. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make it longer. Instead, my writing style seems to be getting worse.

If anybody would like to tell me their ideas on how to torture Roy next, I would love to hear them. Also, I would love for you guys to tell me if Ed should be tall or short.

And I still haven't got over the problem of just how Ed became Fuhrer and nobody else has been promoted...


	4. Chapter 4

Well, here we go again… and this time, Roy is not the one being victimized… though he is still wearing that miniskirt.

Disclaimer: Yes! Yes! I own Fullmetal Alchemist! Author gets exploded by Scar for lying and thus going against god owwww… I plead insanity!

* * *

* * *

Riza looked up and scowled as Havoc strolled into the office with a dark-haired, dark eyed beauty hanging off his arm, obviously his new girlfriend. Pulling out her gun, she strode purposely toward them and aimed at his head. 

Havoc saw her coming and paled, wondering what it was he'd done and whether he'd live to regret it. His girlfriend asked him what was wrong. Before he could answer her, Riza started yelling.

"What is she doing here? Is she cleared to enter a military facility! Explain yourself!"

Havoc paled even more. Was it just him, or was Riza even scarier than usual?

Riza fired impatiently, just missing his left ear. Beside him, his girlfriend went unnoticed as she collapsed in a dead faint.

Havoc pulled himself together. "Well, Sir-!" his fear-heightened senses noted the dark aura the madwoman emanated and the 'look' she shot at him. He quickly revised what he was saying "Um, Ma'am!" unnoticed on the floor, Havoc's girlfriend regained consciousness. Havoc indicated her and said "My girlfriend here wanted to see where I worked, so I thought I'd introduce her around…" he trailed off, waiting to die by Riza's gun.

Instead, it was the shock that nearly killed him as Riza simply sighed and holstered the gun. _'The world is gonna end' _he thought _'and I just got a girlfriend too…'_

His thoughts were interrupted by Riza's muttering "It's just an office… pens, paperwork and desks… just a normal office.'

Roy suddenly appeared from nowhere "A normal office?" he said in an enquiring tone, one eyebrow raised "What sort of normal office has women that shoot at people for no reason and a boss that would make a man wear a miniskirt?"

Havoc's girlfriend stared up at him from the floor. Her jaw dropped in shock. Then slowly, a puddle of drool began to form on the floor around her.

"Havoc, I suggest you help the pretty lady off the floor." Drawled Roy, noticing Havoc's girlfriend.

Havoc eyeballed Roy warily before bending and helping his girlfriend to her feet.

"I believe you said you were going to introduce her?" hinted Riza.

"Oh, yes of course. Ma'am, this is Mikaela Smith. Mikaela, this is 1st Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"Please, call me Riza" interrupted the gun-toting psycho woman.

"And I'm Colonel Roy Mustang, the Flame Alchemist."

Mikaela's attention returned to Roy. White sparkles floated across her vision as a breeze brushed lightly through Roy's hair. (A/N: you know, what always seems to happen when the character meets the very pretty love interest…)

Mikaela could restrain herself no longer and, throwing herself at Roy, began pashing him desperately.

Havoc stared in shock as his new girlfriend kissed his superior officer. Nobody else even looked up from their work- they were used to this by now. Roy smiled into the kiss, pleased that he'd managed to steal another of Havoc's girlfriends, despite that darn miniskirt.

Riza finally pulled a gun on them after waiting five whole minutes for them to stop on their own. _'How do they get air?'_ She thought exasperatedly as she fired a warning bullet between the two.

They both jumped and Mikaela screamed. After she'd recovered, she turned and walked off with an evilly smiling Roy, completely forgetting about poor Havoc.

* * *

"Captain Aiden Thomas reporting for duty, Sir!" 

Captain Thomas had just transferred from the Eastern HQ. Roy looked over the man's appearance, taking in the immaculately cleaned and ironed uniform, complete with its very own polished brass buttons. Even the man's red hair was extraordinarily neat, with not so much as a single hair out of place.

'_Is this guy even human?'_ Roy thought bemusedly.

"Lt. Hawkeye!" Roy called loudly.

Riza opened the door and stepped into the room "Yes, Sir?"

Wondering idly if she spent the days waiting outside his office door, Roy indicated the other man. "Lt. Hawkeye, can you show Captain Aiden Thomas his desk and introduce him to the gang?"

"Why don't you do it yourself, Sir?" replied Riza impatiently "As you only have paperwork to do and, judging from the piles on your desk, you don't seem inclined to do it anytime soon."

"But-" protested Roy, too late. Riza was already gone.

"Well, I guess it's up to me then" Roy grumbled. He stood up and moved out from behind the desk. "Let's get this over with."

Captain Thomas stared in shock at the miniskirt, and then a strange look appeared on his face. Roy realised with a feeling of apprehension that he knew that look. In fact, he used that look all the time. Roy gulped nervously and started to back away. Unfortunately, the other man followed slowly.

"Um…I…" Roy trailed off, trying desperately to collect his thoughts. Before he could think of how best to explain his situation, he felt the other man's hands running through his hair, and lips on his own.

Roy was squashed against the wall and trying desperately to get his brain working again, when he dimly registered the sound of his office door opening. At the sound, Capt. Thomas backed off. Roy stayed against the wall, a dazed expression on his face. He didn't think he'd be able to stand if he moved.

His brain woke up just enough to catch the end of Mikaela's screaming.

"…bastard! How dare you lead me on like that!" She burst out crying, and then Roy heard his office door slam.

Roy then heard another voice "I… I'm sorry" Capt. Thomas voice cracked "I… was that… I just made you lose your girlfriend, didn't I?"

Before Roy could reply, Capt. Thomas apologized again and hurriedly left the room, leaving Roy to his scrambled thoughts.

Roy sank to the floor, still rather shell-shocked. After remaining like that for about ten minutes, his brain had recovered enough to draw a conclusion from the recent occurrences. His trademark smirk slowly spread itself across his face. He liked kissing guys…

* * *

Yes folks, I decided to try writing shonen-ai. Unfortunately, this story will not be a RoyEd ficcy, as my best friend has informed me that she will cease to read it should that occur. As she is the person I rely on to critique my chapters before I post them, I won't risk it. 

This chapter was extremely hard for me, so I would appreciate helpful reviews. If you must tell me it was a great chapter, update soon please, try to pinpoint where it was good. I'd really like to improve my writing style. Even flames are welcome, if they are helpful.

Also, if anybody can think of a good chapter title, I would love to hear it.


	5. Chapter 5

Ok, everyone, I kept meaning to update but I got abducted by these flying purple monkeys and – -author gets hit over head by demonic best friend- Oh, fine… it's because was lazy… and then I had surgery… and then I was lazy again…

Disclaimer: -Author looks hopefully at best friend, sees murderous expression and sighs- … I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist…

* * *

Roy looked up, startled by the sounds of gunshots and crumbling masonry. Standing up, he rushed out of his office. His jaw promptly punched a hole in the floor. Riza was screaming like a madwoman, chasing a… were his eyes deceiving him? Was that really an elephant! (A/N: Where did the elephant come from? Don't ask me… maybe Fuery found it shivering in the rain?)

The elephant let out a sort of strangled trumpeting scream, and Roy dove out of the way just as said elephant tried to take refuge in Roy's office. Roy peeked cautiously around the pile of rubble that was once a door, and silently cheered the elephant on as soon as he realised that it had totalled his desk, and consequently, his paperwork.

Roy jumped out of the way again as Riza nearly bowled him over, shooting frantically. Two more shots later, the elephant was dead.

"Thank you, Riza" Roy said sarcastically. "I always wanted an elephant carcass in my office…"

Riza turned and glared at him, holstering her gun. "Just for that it stays there until it rots" she said calmly.

"Eh? But Riza -" Roy was cut off as she walked away.

"Why is there a dead elephant in your office, sir?" Fuery asked. Havoc stood next to him. The shock of seeing the elephant had not been quite sufficient to make him forget to sulk about the loss of his most recent girlfriend. He stared blankly at the elephant.

"That's what I'd like to know" replied Roy. He smiled gleefully. "At least it had time to destroy my paperwork before it died"

"You do realise Riza will just give you more" laughed a new voice.

Roy turned to see who it was. His jaw dropped. It was Alphonse Elric, and he looked amazing. He wore the long red jacket and black leather pants Ed had been famous for. Roy estimated he was about 5'7". He was lightly muscled and had his long ash-brown hair pulled back in a neat ponytail. Bangs framed his face.

"Is that Alphonse!" asked Fuery. Roy nodded, pushing his jaw closed.

"Wow, Alphonse, we haven't seen you since you were a suit of armour!" exclaimed Fuery.

Roy tried desperately to refrain from drooling as Al smiled. "Is there anyone here who doesn't know about that?" Al enquired.

Fuery thought for a second. "Actually, I think the new guy doesn't know yet…"

Al laughed, then looked at Havoc. "What's wrong with Havoc? Did Roy steal his girlfriend again?"

Fuery nodded. "Yeah. And then half a day later she called him a lying, cheating bastard and ran out"

Al grinned. "I think that's a new record"

"Yeah. So, why are you here?" (A/N: Why is he here? I dunno… so Roy can fall in love with him?)

"Nii-san lost his arm"

Fuery stared at him in shock. "How did he manage that!"

"I'm not sure. That's what I'm here to find out"

Roy thought he'd better make a contribution to the conversation, instead of just staring. "How are Winry and Mrs. Pinako doing?"

Al frowned slightly. "You haven't got your eye on Winry, have you?"

Roy smirked. "Of course not. Why would any man go for a girl who'd probably beat him to death with a wrench?" he remarked.

"I don't know. Try asking the guy who's dating her"

"So I take it she's doing well. And Mrs. Pinako?"

"She's not as young as she used to be, but there's no way that's going to slow her down"

"Glad to hear it" Now Roy had got the social niceties out of the way and could safely escape. "If you'll excuse me, I have paperwork to do"

Al and Fuery both stared at him. After a few seconds of silence, Fuery said "Um, sir… the elephant destroyed it. You do remember the elephant, sir? It's the reason why your office currently has no door"

Roy silently cursed the failure of an escape plan that had never failed him before. He thought quickly. "But I'm sure Riza has already found paperwork to replace what the elephant destroyed…"

As if on cue, Riza appeared, face hidden by a huge stack of papers. Dumping them in Roy's arms, she 'suggested' that since his office was currently unavailable, he find some out-of-the-way place in which to sign them.

Roy stood there for a second as Riza walked away, then plonked himself down in the middle of the floor and, spreading the papers around him, dutifully began to sign them with a convenient crayon he found in his shirt pocket.

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes, then Al hesitantly spoke. "Um, Colonel… why are you wearing a miniskirt?"

Roy looked up from his paperwork and scowled. "Why don't you ask Fullmetal?" he growled.

"What does Nii-san have to do with it?"

"It's his fault. Therefore he can explain"

* * *

Later that day Al approached Roy, who was still lying on the floor, though he seemed to have begun doodling on the paperwork rather than signing it. Reflecting that Roy's drawings were even worse than Ed's, Al knelt down beside Roy. 

"I tried to talk to Nii-san about the miniskirt" Al said hesitantly. Roy looked up from a drawing of a tree a two year old would be ashamed of. "And?"

Al sighed. "I did my best, but…" Al shuddered at the memory. "He actually cackled"

This time it was Roy's turn to sigh. "Oh well. Thanks for trying."

'_I'm cursed with a psycho-demonic boss'_ he thought miserably, while Al reflected that _'Nii-san is so evil…'_

They both sighed again.

Just then, the object of their thoughts walked into the room. He was doing his best to carry a box of what looked like vodka with one arm, and he had a particularly evil expression on his face.

"Ok everybody. Since nobody will tell me where my arm is, we're going to play a little game of truth or dare. With vodka."

Everybody stared at him. It was almost possible to hear them thinking _'Does he seriously think that's gonna help him find his arm?'_ There was silence. Then Roy muttered "Just a normal office…"

Riza glared at him. Ed handed her a bottle. "Have a drink"

"Thank you, but I don't drink alcohol" Riza politely tried to hand the bottle back.

"I order you to drink it" Ed said triumphantly

Riza paled. "What?"

Ed ignored her and went to give everyone else a bottle. Riza vowed that she would get her revenge somehow, then downed the entire contents of the bottle.

"Ok everyone, who's first?" asked Ed

"I'll go first" volunteered Captain Thomas.

"Fine. Go"

"Colonel, truth or dare"

Roy smirked. "Dare" He took a swig of vodka.

"I dare you to…" Capt. Thomas pulled out a CD. "Do a strip-show on the desk while singing along to this"

"Ok then" Roy took another sip of his drink then climbed up onto a desk. This was far more interesting than paperwork.

Capt. Thomas put the CD on. "You ready?"

"Of course"

The song started. Roy sang along. "I'm too sexy for my shirt…" he sang as he danced around on the table, slowly removing his clothes. Somebody wolf-whistled.

When the end of the song came, Roy was down to his underwear. (A/N: Sorry to all Roy fangirls out there… I know you wanted to see more) He climbed down off the table and began to collect his clothes.

When he was dressed, he turned to Riza. "Truth or dare"

Riza thought for a second, or tried to. The alcohol was already affecting her brain. "Dare"

Roy smiled sweetly. "I dare you to wear this" He pulled something from midair. Riza stared at what appeared to be a maid outfit. "No way…" she whispered.

"Yes way"

Riza grabbed it and stalked off, glaring at anything that dared to move. Two minutes later, she stalked back wearing the tiny dress. She'd strapped her gun holsters around her waist from sheer habit. Roy whistled. "Looking good, Riza"

She shot him a look that clearly said "Another word and I will not hesitate to castrate you"

Havoc stared at her. His jaw dropped. Then, as if in a dream, he moved toward her and kissed her. Coming to his senses, he moved away and prepared to die. Instead, he nearly died of shock when Riza pounced on him and returned the kiss.

"Ah-hem"

Riza fixed Ed with a death glare for interrupting so rudely. "What?" she growled.

"You have to ask someone 'truth or dare'" he reminded her.

"Fine, Edward, truth or dare?"

"Dare"

"Drink two litres of milk in one go" Riza called over her shoulder as she and Havoc walked off into an imaginary sunset.

"What! No way!" Ed yelled.

Everyone rounded on him. A bottle of milk was put in his hand. Everything went dark and a horrified scream was all that could be heard.

* * *

Ed wiped a tiny stream of milk off his face, glaring at everyone. Just then, Armstrong appeared, saying something about the wonderful truth or dare technique passed down through generations of Armstrongs. Pink sparkles flew everywhere. 

Ed smirked evilly. "Ah, Armstrong, you're just in time. Truth or dare?"

"Dare" boomed Armstrong.

"I dare you to tell me everything you know about the disappearance of my arm!"

Armstrong's pink sparkles dropped to the ground. "That's not a dare…" He saw Ed's expression and shrugged. "I saw Winry carrying it. She said she was going to Rush Valley and borrowed it for her portfolio. There should be a note on your desk"

Ed fumed.

Armstrong's sparkles recovered. "Fuery! Truth or dare!"

Fuery subconsciously backed away. "…Dare"

"I dare you to kiss Sheska!"

Fuery tentatively did so. Armstrong started going on about the miracles of love, completely forgetting it was a dare.

Next Falman chose 'dare'. Fuery, from sheer lack of a better idea, dared him to wear his own underwear on his head. Falman went off to the bathroom and came back wearing a pair of boxers patterned with pink hearts on his head. Everyone burst out laughing.

Falman tore them off his head and rushed back to the bathroom. When he came back he looked around the room, trying to decide who to choose. His eye fell on Roy. "Al, truth or dare?" he asked thoughtfully

"Dare" Al said slowly. He had hoped to be left out of this.

"I dare you to pash the Colonel"

Al blushed. "W-what? But we're both guys!"

Roy glared at Falman. Ed stopped spazzing about the loss of his arm and glared at Roy.

"Hey, don't glare at me" Roy protested. "It's not my fault"

His protest was stopped by Al pressing his lips against his own. Roy gasped. His mind stopped working properly, but this was different from the time when Capt. Thomas had kissed him. Roy's whole mind was now focused on Al and the kiss. Roy couldn't control himself. He reached up and tangled his fingers in Al's hair, pulling him closer, and the same time running his tongue along the other man's lips. Al sighed, parting his lips slightly. Roy took this as permission to deepen the kiss.

Several yaoi fangirls appeared from nowhere and squealed ecstatically.

Suddenly Roy felt a sharp pain in his head, and found himself kissing the ground. Several people tried desperately to restrain Ed.

"You bastard! You stay away from Al! I won't have you messing around with him! You, you -"

"Nii-san!"

"- bastard! I'm gonna kill you if you – huh?"

"Nii-san" Al begged, holding him back. "Please calm down"

"But the bastard kissed you!"

"No, I kissed him"

"But -"

Al dragged Ed outside. "Nii-san, I…" He blushed. "I love him"

"The bastard shouldn't be kissing you, that's sexual harra – what did you say!"

"I love him"

"No, he's not good enough for you!"

"Nii-san, please!"

Ed opened his mouth to continue arguing, looked at Al's pleading eyes, and sighed. "…How long?"

Al stared at the ground. "Four years" he said quietly. "Nii-san, I'm 18 now. You don't have to protect me"

Ed sighed again. "Don't I? But you are my little brother"

"And I always will be. But you need to trust me to make my own decisions"

"But what if he breaks your heart?"

"I'll be fine, Nii-san. I always have been"

They walked back into the building together. Ed glared at Roy. "If you hurt him, I'm gonna kill you" he warned.

Roy looked up from the charcoal corpses of the yaoi fangirls. He smirked. "Does that mean I have your permission to date your brother?"

"…Yes" Ed said in a strangled voice.

Roy's expression turned serious. "I promise you that I'd rather die than hurt him"

Ed nodded, slightly appeased. Roy may be a bastard, but he was not a liar.

* * *

**Somewhere in another universe:**

Roy turned to Al. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked. There was dead silence in the room. Then… "What!" Ed screamed, before he pounded Roy to a bloody pulp on the floor.

* * *

Roy turned to Al. "Will you go out with me?" he asked 

"Yes" Al said shyly.

Meanwhile, Ed was busy ordering some random unfortunate person to tie him up before he snapped.

* * *

Well, this is the second-last chapter. It's the longest one yet! -Author is so proud of herself- 

As always, please try to give me helpful reviews if at all possible.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist. But I have Edo-kun tied up in my room…

* * *

Riza walked into Roy's office and dropped a memo on his desk. 

"Not more paperwork" Roy sighed

Riza smiled. "I think you'll like this paperwork"

Roy picked the memo up out of sheer morbid curiosity over what sort of paperwork she thought he might possibly like.

He was shocked to see it was permission to return to his old uniform. _'A week ago I would have been grateful to be allowed to return to my old uniform…'_

Roy stood up abruptly. Riza stared at him. "Where are you going?"

"I need to speak to the Fuhrer"

Riza continued to stare at him as he walked out of the door, then shrugged and went off to find Havoc.

* * *

"Sir, I would like to continue wearing the skirt" 

Ed stared at him in shock. "What!"

"I want to keep wearing the skirt. The padded top can go, though"

Ed continued to stare. "Why?"

Roy thought for a second. "Because it's comfortable and light and allows a breeze to blow around my –"

He was interrupted by Ed, who shouted "I don't want to know!" and ran away screaming, doing a fair impersonation of a man being driven crazy by his subordinates.

"And easier access!" Roy called after him, then went off to molest Al, smirking evilly.

* * *

Riza stalked through HQ, looking for Havoc. Everywhere she went there were whistles, followed by gunfire and screaming. Her path could be followed by the trail of incapacitated men. She silently vowed that she would make Roy pay for his stunt with the maid outfit. 

Spotting Havoc, she grabbed him and dragged him out of the office for a bit of 'quality time'. Havoc, with a big goofy grin on his face, didn't protest. He'd finally found a girlfriend who was immune to Roy. And she looked amazing in a maid outfit.

* * *

Roy located Al and coaxed him to his office. Armstrong noticed this as he passed by, and his multitude of pink sparkles at least doubled. 

Ed stalked past, trying not to let Al know he was stalking while at the same time making sure Roy knew it. He still didn't approve of Al's new boyfriend.

Suddenly, Winry tapped him on the shoulder with his own arm. Ed scowled at her, still grumpy about Roy and Al. Winry glared back. "Aren't you glad to see me?"

Her wrench appeared in her hand.

Ed scowled for a bit longer just to maintain appearances, then sighed. Winry looked worried. This wasn't like Ed. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Ed considered ignoring her, then realised she would find out sooner or later. "Roy got himself a new 'girlfriend'" he said grumpily.

Winry failed to notice the inverted commas clicking into place around the word, and shrugged. "So what. He's got a new girlfriend every week. Unless… are you jealous!" she asked in a disbelieving voice.

Ed scowled again. "Hell no!"

Winry frowned. "So what is the problem?"

Ed hesitated. "…It's Al"

"What? Al's jealous? That's not like him"

"No! He's…" Ed's voice cracked. "Al is… Roy's new 'girlfriend'"

Winry shrieked. "What!"

She stalked towards Roy's office, wrench at the ready, muttering furiously to herself about the possibilities of a castration operation using said wrench. Ed followed.

Winry slammed open the door. "COLONEL MUSTANG I SWEAR THAT IF YOU –" She stopped screaming and gulped.

Al was sitting on Roy's lap. Both men were dishevelled and their lips were slightly swollen. She had obviously interrupted a very hot make-out session. They stared at her, Al blushing slightly. Roy arched an eyebrow. "Yes?" he enquired.

Winry backed towards the door. "Oh. I-I'm sorry. Please excuse me"

Roy and Al returned to their kissing as the door slammed shut. They heard a furious scream and the sound of a wrench being smashed against a wall and some very unfortunate heads. Probably including Ed's.

They ignored the chaos outside, focusing instead on the small haven created by their locked lips.

* * *

Hughes watched them from above. He clasped his hands to his chest, giggled, and started imagining what the children would look like. Completely disregarding the fact that the lovers were both male.

* * *

It's finally done. –cries– My baby is all grown up! 

This last chapter so nearly ended with the mushy part, but I didn't like that so I tacked the part with 'Guardian Hughes' on the end.

I'm considering writing a Roy/Al Mpreg sequal, but I'm really not sure if it will go ahead, as I currently have several other projects lined up.

I started this story with no real idea how it would turn out. I was just like, I'll try it and see what happens. All the plan I had when I started writing was 'Ed is Fuhrer and he makes Roy wear a miniskirt. He may or may not be allowed to return to his old uniform after a month…'

This story did things I would never have imagined back then. Stories have a will of their own. It makes writing them all the more interesting.


	7. Sequel

The sequel is going ahead! It's called 'The Military Hermaphrodite'. If you want to read it, make sure your browser is set to show 'M' rated ficcys. I rated it high just to be on the safe side. There's nothing really graphic - that kills the humour.

Ja

-Queenphoenix


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